I've worked with patients who are getting married, patients who are getting engaged, and patients who are getting separated or divorced. These different experiences have convinced me that some people underestimate or misunderstand marriage.
Occasionally I've had patients who have been in long term relationships without getting married tell me that marriage is "just a piece of paper." If that were true, why would gay people be fighting for the right to get married? Legally, marriage has certain benefits. But more importantly, it's a public declaration of a relationship.
A few years ago, someone wrote a popular book, "He's Just Not That Into You," which included a chapter called "If He's Not Marrying You, He's Just Not That Into You." It's true. If a man really wants to commit to a woman, he wants to marry her. If he doesn't want marriage, it's because he wants to keep his options open.
Marriage includes legal responsibilities toward a spouse. Sometimes, people who really, really want to be married marry someone who isn't financially responsible, truthful or ethical. Later, they find out that they are responsible for their spouse's debts. Don't marry someone who mismanages money or who is dishonest. You will regret such a decision.
I've found that people also underestimate the trauma of divorce. Depending on many factors, divorces can take years and cost thousands of dollars or tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees.
People tend to evaluate prospective marital partners based on shared interests and goals and on sexual attraction. Although these things may be important, it's just as important to marry someone who is a good person and who really wants to be married. Don't marry someone who's ambivalent about marriage and don't marry someone who can't be trusted. Better to stay single than have a bad marriage with a bad divorce.
One need only browse the self-help rack at the bookstore to see almost endless marriage advice, advice apparently needed enough to sell all those books: you should argue this way and make up that way, stand up for yourself here but give in there and compromise over yonder, keep this private but share that, vacation like this, split chores like that, etc. etc. It sounds a lot like a second job. Be sure you want to work that hard. Not all of us do, which may explain the rise in singles to roughly half the adult population.
ReplyDeleteIt may also be why some throw up their hands and opt instead for virtual reality. Last summer the game maker Konami released the updated computer game Love Plus+, and, as a promotion, hosted a romantic holiday weekend at the resort town Atami for players and their virtual romantic partners (their laptops). It was a smashing success. OK, it’s a bit too nerdy for my taste, but I have to admit that virtual divorce would be a lot simpler and cheaper than the real thing.
I agree.
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